Death

I never thought of death as a weeks or months long process, but it can be. 

End-of-Life Timeline: Clinical Signs by Stage | VITAS Healthcare

Being near the end of the process is the worst.  I understand what will happen, I know what will not happen and every moment I think about it she is gone, but not gone, but will be gone.  And it is a constant cycle of emotions to not wish your mother dead, want her to be at peace and fill guilty for not stopping this even though it has been going on before you knew what it was.  It doesn't make it easier and this week is one of the worst of my life.  When my Dad died we brought in Hospice and I didn't know what that meant, but in 2 weeks he was gone.  I went away to school for 2 weeks, on crutches no less, and when I came back on Friday he could only say yes or no.  On Saturday he couldn't speak and by evening he was gone.  

Sleep is horrible now,  because every time I wake up I wonder if she is gone. I go to sleep exhausted and when I wake up in the middle of the night it is my first thought, and I don't go back to sleep easily.